30/04/16

Inspiration is found few and far between at the moment, with not much going on right now, apart from struggling to get coursework in and trying to catch up on sleep, blogging at 11pm seems like the only time I can spare.

I’ve just had one of the strangest conversations with the ex boyfriend previously mentioned. Although a little apprehensive to reply at first, I knew I had to, just to find out what he wanted to say. It turns out, that somehow he had stumbled across my blog page and begun reading.

I don’t know how I should feel about it, someone like that, reading about my life, even though they are barely in it anymore. But my blog posts are completely public, and I’m somewhat brave enough to put it out there for friends, family, and complete strangers to read, so what’s stopping him.

I find it quite humorous, how you can see a different side to someone with no effort being put in to find this out the mystery behind them. To see what really is behind the walls, it’s something special, because not many people get to see it.

I’m not quite sure about it either way, I’m very confused and feel somewhat delirious. It’s always strange to see something in someone, something you’ve never seen before. Like tonight, I could sense in his persistent texts that it may have meant something that I had hidden this side of myself from him for so long, good or bad I don’t know. Strange that his feelings came though, as he mostly comes across a little heartless, and he will agree with me on that. Writing down my feelings and what’s going on in my life has always been something that I’ve done, in secret on paper but never had I even thought of writing it down for everyone to see. It kind of seems like the up and coming thing to do in this day and age now.

He’s not an idiot and yes we are still friends (sometimes). It’s kind of a feeling I can’t explain, we both know eachother so well that everything is understood and we always seem to make a joke out of things, and always end up laughing. Which is ultimately a nice feeling. Because there wasn’t really anything that either of us done wrong. No cheating, abuse or any of the normal crap that usually ends a relationship, which I’m thankful for.

I went on another date, with a friend of a friend. Strange feeling once more, moving on in general is a strange feeling. It went well to a certain extent, we sat by a little lake and just talked and got to know eachother which was just nice. I still don’t feel as if I am completely ready to see other people, not that I still have feelings for my ex but because I’m scare of being in a relationship, the commitment to someone seems very unreal at the stage in my life. Especially for a 17 year old. I should be going out and having fun, making friends. Ultimately my main focus right now is to finish college and find a full time job that I actually enjoy, and live a little.

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