It’s about 3am right now and I’ve spent the past two hours or so looking through old photos on my phone and trying to decide where my attitude to life started to tumble in a downward spiral.
Understandably, in my life, the loss of contact with friends and having my heart broken were the main two reasons for this. Which I find funny because if these people can’t be bothered with me, why should I be getting so butt hurt about them? There was a quote I saw on Facebook the other day, something about, if you left when I needed you, don’t come back now that I don’t. And that is so true, it does make you such a stronger person when you don’t rely on anyone to cheer you up, to motivate you and make you smile, because you can quite honestly do that all yourself, with confidence.
I think that’s what hit me the hardest, going from relying on a few important people to relying on absolutely no one. Seeing these people once or twice a week, to seeing them never or once a month if you’re lucky.
Something I’ve been coming to terms with a lot over the past month or so, is the lack of contact between me and my supposed best friend. Not quite one now. It would be fair to say that the blame should be shared between us both, and we both could have tried harder. But I just seemed to give up after being told he was busy and not able to meet up for a much needed talk. I mean, for a (half sensitive) girl who doesn’t take the end of any relationship well, you would have thought some kind of effort would have been put in, but even a text was hard to receive. It really fucking bugs me. Every other friend was there for me, made effort, and even if they couldn’t meet, a simple text to ask how I am and what’s going on in my life was sent. But I couldn’t even get that from my best friend, and that just hurts in the long run. I feel like I’ve lost the brother figure I’ve had in my life for the past nearly 2 years. You even said to me on the rare occasion that you text me, that you were being a crappy friend and needed to actually support me, I guess that idea went out the window.
Yes I do understand that you have things going on in your life, but I was maybe wrong in thinking our relationship, our friendship, could have been more important than some of these. It’s always me that is getting left out, being the one in the dark and not knowing anything that’s going on in your life, I don’t even know if you’re with this girl you’ve been seeing?! That’s the kind of thing a best friend should know!
I guess I’m writing this as closure, to confirm that the person I thought I could go to when I was in uncontrollable tears, to rely on as a best friend, and to see as my brother, has gone. Nothing’s the same and my effort levels have been washed away with rejection and disrespect.
I’m sat here with a single tear rolling down my cheek, but I feel that by writing this, is giving me the relief and closure that I need on the situation, that nothing will be the same again. But I just need a sense of direction in my life now, I’m moving on and am actually going to focus on my happiness and my self worth, I need that.